Why You Keep Attracting The Same Type of Relationship
Mackenzie Fulleton, MSW, LCSW
And it's not bad luck.
“Are you sure?” Yes…
Ladies…and gentleman, I think most of us have gone through a cycle of people that weren’t really great for us. WHY DO WE DO THAT? It can be so frustrating to feel as if the next guy or girl was different from the last. We hear from family and friends, “Ya just don’t pick em well…”
I am here to tell you, you are not an idiot and you are not cursed. Our brains are built for survival, meaning, our brains learn familiarity and LOVE familiarity. Familiarity means that what we are getting ourselves into is predictable, which means our chances of survival increase. It’s not a chemistry thing, it is more recognition.
Attachment theory tells us that the way we learn to connect with our caregivers is a roadmap to how we show up and seek certain attributes in a relationship. For example, if the love you were shown was based in fear and inconsistency, we learn to associate love with those things. We spend our later years unconsciously seeking our relationships that align with what we believe about ourselves and how love works.
If we take it one step further, trauma bonding. If you are in a relationship with huge ups and downs. Cycles of tension, rupture, and repair, our brains release bonding hormones in this response. The “make up” after the conflict is a huge high…we then become quite attached to those individuals. (Have you watched Jersey Shore? Those relationships are great examples of that).
How do we actually change this?
Therapy and a whole lot of real talk with yourself.
Learn and recognize your nervous system. Learn your warning signs. Learn your reactive behaviors. Are you a fight, flight, freeze, fawner? Your therapist will help identify these things with you.
Rebuild who you are and a sense of safety…what safety actually feels like.
Process the grief of relationships and what you might have lost in them. Build compassion for yourself and recognize that there is a biological reason for continued relational patterns.
Understand your attachment style and explore the past with your childhood.
Learn DBT skills to help regulate your emotions, tolerate distress more effectively, and know where your window of tolerance lies.
Please reach out if this post resonates with you-
We have great clinicians who are versed in these topics and are ready to help change your patterns with you! <3
With love,
The Meridian Team
